Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Can 30 Really Be Here?

Today is my 30th birthday. I find that so hard to say.
It's not like I think thirty is old or anything. The majority of my friends are a good ten to fifteen years older than me, and I know that they are not old, so thirty can't be old.
I am going to admit it. I am having a hard time turning thirty. I used to think that getting older was the stupidest thing to get upset about. "Who cares how old you are?" I'd say to myself. I mean, what is the significance of a number?
But, now I'm thirty. Not my best friend. Not my neighbor. Not my old classmates. Me.
I think the biggest problem with this thought is that I figured I would be so different at thirty than I am now. I thought I would be living in a different country, speak another language fluently, have four kids, learned to play an instrument proficiently, not struggling with the same health issues that plagued me ten years ago, be more confident in my mothering skills, finally be brave.
My biggest problem with thirty is that it didn't change who I was. It didn't turn me magically into this bright, beautiful, has-it-all-together woman. I guess the most discouraging part is now that I am thirty, I am realizing that person will never exist. I will always have faults (I know, hard to believe), I will always have room for improvement, I will never be able to say "I have arrived!".
But, isn't that a good thing? I think that if I have "arrived" at thirty, then what would be the point of thirty one, or forty one, or one hundred and one?
So, here I am. I am a thirty year old woman who is still to afraid to learn to ride a motorcycle, or jump off a cliff into a lake, or if we are being really get a car wash.
I can also say I am a thirty year old woman who has known Jesus as her Savior for twenty three years. I have been married for almost ten years to a man who I am more in love with now than ever. I have three of the most amazing girls that God ever created as my daughters. I love my ministry with New Tribes Mission. I love my church. I have some of the best friends any gal could ever have.
Yeah. Thirty isn't all that bad. I mean, it's not like I'm thirty one...
My twin sister and I. Happy thirtieth to you too, Tomesia!


StephG said...

I felt the exact same way when I turned thirty!!

...and even though I've never met you in real life I just have to say from what I do know about you through your blog, Katie & FB you are an amazing woman and you are right where God wants you to be.

So, I hope you have a wonderful birthday surrounded by friends & family who love you very much!

P.S. and you do speak another language's called "kid speak" understand what your kids are trying to say when others have NO clue :)

Rachel @ Unexpected Blessings said...

Thirty wasn't bad for me because I had my meltdown after I didn't make it on American Idol a few years before. I struggled with many simmilar feelings. I never pictured myself here. It is hard when you look back at that 16 or 20 year old with all these dreams and only one or two of those dreams are fulfilled. I would challenge you to set some new goals for this year. In my 30th year I ran my first 5K and donated blood for the first time. It seems like there was something else I did for the first time, but I can't remember what it was right now! :S Probably old age! (I am 2 years older than you, ya know!) That kid with all the dreams may be disapointed with where you are today, but you have so much more you can do! Set some small managable goals for yourself, and when you get to 31 I bet you'll look back and be so proud of your 30th year! Love you girl!

Bemily said...

Happy birthday lady! You don't look a day over 21! Miss you so much!

Tomesia said...

Thanks for putting my feelings into words for me! I'm a little teary now too. But it's good that you can wrap things up so positively. I'm so looking forward to seeing you. I miss you very much.

Michelle said...

30 is a good thing! Now you're the same as me! :) Happy Birthday, Tamara!!!

Tamara said...

Thank you all for the kind words. :)

thesscurry said...

Welcome to a new decade that ain't all that bad... and I'm about ready to close out this one and head to the next... now THAT is something to be afraid of!